On Shaky Ground

I’m having an extremely bad night. I accidentally took my Zoloft much later in the day, and now I’ve got those horrible creepy-crawlies (as my doctor calls them) all through my body. Basically, it feels like I should be running laps or something…I can’t keep my limbs from moving. Even my fingers feel weird and sore. It’s like there’s too much kinetic energy built up inside my body. I’m tense, tired, anxious…I finally just had to get out of bed, so now I’m sitting in the living room, watching Squidbillies, and trembling. I have a tremendous amount of tension in my neck and upper back, and my limbs feel like they’re pulsating. My boyfriend is in the bedroom watching something else on TV…with all the heat lately, he’s had his own troubles with sleep. At least there’s someone up in the wee hours with me!

I’m now counting the days until my next appointment with my psychiatrist. The Wellbutrin didn’t work, and it’s obvious that the side effects from the Zoloft are getting too difficult to handle. School starts in less than a month, and I’m going to need to be able to concentrate. I can’t afford to be distracted by something stupid like my medication!

Venting does feel good, though!

Wanna Fry an Egg?

Yes, it’s very hot here. We’ve been in the 90s for days, and today we hit 103 degrees. I feel stupid and slow and I am becoming more and more grouchy. All we’ve done in the past week is sit inside our house, every fan on, all the lights off, watching TV. Even our computers are heating up. Our poor beta fish is slowly cooking alive in his tank, so we’ve taken to keeping the lid off. He seems okay for now. My dad has offered to put us up in an air conditioned motel for the night, which we might end up having to do.

That’s all for now. My brain is melting and getting in the way of my word-making.

Getting to Know Me

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be satisfied with one’s life. I know that I am not satisfied, but is that the fault of myself, or of other people? Is it my parents’ fault for demanding so much of me? Am I imagining their demands, and therefore putting unnecessary pressure on myself (which is much more likely)? Or does my discontent come from somewhere inside me, my own lament at being too much of a coward to live the life I want? I have always bowed before other people’s demands, believing their opinion of me was more important than my opinion of myself. I’m starting to believe, though, that I have made other people into scapegoats, that the failure truly is my own.

I’d like to share a little about my parents. My parents have been married for 40 years. They encouraged each of us kids to pursue our own interests and to always do our best. (Their encouragement led my very talented brothers into pursuing their passion: music. Alas, I have yet to find my passion.) They helped us when we needed it, but let us make mistakes, also. A lot of people see my parents as strict, but considering the fact that I was only grounded for two weeks after getting arrested for shoplifting cigarettes in high school proves that they are really very softhearted. But my parents do demand that we take responsibility for our own lives. Yes, my dad is something of a micro-manager and an anxious control-freak (this definitely serves him well at work, but drives the rest of us crazy), but his anxiety and need to control comes from his love for his family. My mom is a laid-back, incredibly loving person whose big heart has expanded to include everyone she meets…there is hardly anyone she has ever met that she dislikes.

Of course, no one is perfect. I used to obsess over my parents’ anxiety about me and their advice and opinions ruled my life for many years. They put a lot of pressure on me to change the way I was living, and granted, I was in a very bad place for a long time. But still, all my ideas about my life have come from them. I never thought of any other direction for my life except for what they wished for. I believed that disappointing them would be a catastrophe, that they would never get over it. Now that I’m almost 30 years old, many of my demons have reared up, demanding that I deal with them. I am my own person, not an extension of my parents. I feel lost, like I’ve lost my anchor.

But by losing my anchor maybe I can find myself. Who am I? Until now, I’ve been almost a shell of a person, to coin a very bad cliché. But I credit my boyfriend for waking me up to the lie that was my life. He does not let me get away with pretending to be that scared, old version of myself, the one that I made up and believed in so much. I clung to my lies as long as I could, but now they are laid bare and I am left with the task of dealing with the wounds they have left. This most recent major depressive episode also, rather paradoxically, helped to reveal some of my self-made illusions. I feel scarred and incomplete.

I have always thought of school as a way to find emotional awakening. We’ll be starting school again in about a month, and after a year of misery and deep depression, maybe I can find a way back to my true self. I’m beginning to get to know the kind of person I am…creative, intelligent, curious, compassionate and passionate about right and wrong. I’m a good person, and I treasure this new chance to get to know myself in a way I haven’t before. Maybe someday I can believe myself to be satisfied with my life, a life that I alone have created.

Ack

Okay, so, the Wellbutrin didn’t work. I felt horrible all day Tuesday and Wednesday…jittery, anxious, restless, tense, disconnected, dizzy, and just generally awful. I called Dr. K.’s office to get some advice, and I was told to either stop taking it now or keep taking it at the low level for another week and see how I feel then. I’ve decided to stop taking it. It’s just not worth it. I’m still on Zoloft, so there’s no danger of my depression returning, and I go to see Dr. K. again in a few weeks.

Ack. Ugh. So, back to the drawing board.

What’s up, Doc?

I had my very first appointment ever with a psychiatrist today. I never in a million years thought that I would require the care of a “head shrinker”. Well, my head is still the same size as it was this morning, so I would consider my experience to be a success!

Sorry…I’m babbling. I hardly slept a wink last night and I’m feeling very goofy right now. Anyway, the psychiatrist, Dr. K., asked me a lot of questions about my medical history, my overall health, my family and relationships. She even asked me if I have any pets and offered to write a note to my landlords telling them that I need a cat for my mental health. We discussed the side effects I’ve been experiencing from the Zoloft, and she’s decided to have me try Wellbutrin, which is an antidepressant that my mom took for several years and tolerated very well. I took my first dose today, along with my regular dose of Zoloft, and as long as I don’t develop any serious side effects, she’ll start to increase the Wellbutrin and taper me off the Zoloft. I hope that this spells the end of my jittery madness!

She also finally gave me a specific diagnosis. I have dythymic disorder, or chronic depression as it is generally described. Basically this means that my normal, everyday emotional level is low, with occasional dips into a deeper depression, which is what I’ve been experiencing for the past few months. Although it’s not as serious as major depression, it lasts much longer, and in my case will most likely require lifelong treatment. Also, the dips downward are actually major depressive episodes, which means that my specific form if dysthymia is also called “double depression”. It’s honestly nice to have a name for my specific illness, something that I can research. It makes me feel like I have a little more control over my mental health.

Riding the Wave

I thought I would update all of you on a few things going on in my life. First, as you all know, my mom was diagnosed with liver disease a few months ago. The only treatment for it is to lose weight, at least 10% of her current body weight. Unfortunately, my mom hasn’t been able to exercise at all because she’s severely anemic. Her blood count was only at 9, which is, apparently, extremely low. Her liver specialist was astonished that she could even get out of bed, so exercise is out of the question. This is a horrible setback for her and I know that she’s getting worried.

I saw my parents quite a bit over the last weekend, and seeing my mom forcing herself to cook for 30 people, despite her weakness, and seeing my dad limping around in a walking cast (a bone spur in his leg broke off and is now irritating a major tendon…very painful) and bent over from back pain is reminding me of how old they’re getting. Mom is 63 and Dad is 62. Although I would consider that to be still middle-aged, it seems like they’re both dealing with a lot more health issues than ever before. Neither of them allow these problems to hold them back. My dad still works long hours and travels constantly for work, and my mom is still working part-time and babysitting for her grandson whenever she can. But at some point, they’ll have to slow down…even if they don’t want to. All I want is to see them enjoy themselves.

As for me, with all this going on with the family, I’m feeling very stressed. I’m also trying to concentrate on getting readmitted to my school, after last semester’s debacle, and worrying about money. I was able to make an appointment to see the psychiatrist my doctor recommended for next Monday morning. I don’t know what kind of care she has planned for me, besides managing my medication, but I’m hoping I’ll be able to get some talk therapy with her. Until then, all you internet friends will have to remain my collective therapist!

New Photography Blog

Because I feel an insane need to create a new blog each time I develop a new passion, I have created one to organize and showcase my photography. I’m calling it Natural Echoes….Echo is my middle name, and my photographs are like echoes of nature. Clever, right? …..sigh.

Please feel free to check it out!

Natural Echoes

The Survey Thief Strikes Again!

I stole this survey from Rosie over at Corners of My Mind….shhh, don’t tell her!

What is your current obsession?
Photography. I’d forgotten how much I love it and how one can find stories in images, as well as in words.

What is your weirdest obsession?
The anime series Bleach. I’m completely obsessed with this show, which is probably meant for male adolescents.

What are you wearing today?
Jeans, a black sleeveless top with an elasticized bottom, and a green and blue floral print short-sleeved cardigan. No shoes.

What’s for dinner?
I’ll probably have pasta.

What would you eat for your last meal?
A Pizza Hut pan pizza with pepperoni and extra sauce, Cherry Coke, and a toasted French dip sandwich.

What’s the last thing you bought?
A book: A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami.

What are you listening to right now?
Nothing…just the whirr of the laptop fan.

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
Sonoma, California.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Kyoto, Japan….just to see the gardens.

Which language do you want to learn?
There are two: French and Japanese. I want to be able to speak the language because I love the cultures so much.

What’s your favorite quote (for now)?
“And each time it’s touched by the light of the sun and moon…The world is always changing into something new.” ~Ichigo Kurosaki, Bleach

What is your favorite color?
Turquoise.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
Actually, it’s the top I’m wearing now. It’s silky and blousey….and hides my tummy.

What is your dream job?
Any kind of artist.

Describe your personal style?
Eclectic.

What’s your favorite tree?
Cedar and Cherry.

What are you going to do after this?
Proofread something for BF.

What’s your favorite fruit?
Cantaloupe.

What inspires you?
The natural world….whether it’s outside my window or described in a book, that is where I get all of my inspiration.

Your favorite books?
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, American Gods by Neil Gaiman, Shirley by Charlotte Bronte, The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova, Lady of Avalon by Marion Zimmer Bradley, David Copperfield by Charles Dickens, and too many other to list here.

What are you currently reading?
Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll.

Go to your bookshelf, take down the first book with a red spine you see, turn to page 26 and type out the first line:
“These ropes are used to symbolically indicate sacred places where kami are believed to dwell or objects offered to the kami.” Shinto: The Kami Way by Dr. Sokyo Ono

By what criteria do you judge a person?
I judge a person by how compassionate and empathetic they are. If a person cannot place himself in another’s place, and if he cannot find the strength and comfort to feel compassion, then that is not a person I want to associate with. I do not like to be around narrow-minded, judgmental, and insensitive people….in my view, they cause most of the world’s problems.

What is your earliest childhood memory?
I remember lying in my bed, or maybe my crib, when I was maybe 2 years old and being frightened by a yellow light that was slowly moving around my room, toward me. It may just have been a dream, but it is still my earliest memory.

Here is my replacement question:
Are you happy in your current situation?
No, I am not happy in my current situation. Everything is up in the air, I have no purpose, my partner is unhappy, and I experience physical pain of various kinds every day.

The rules:
1. Respond and rework; answer the questions on your blog, replace one question you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.
2. I’m not going to tag anyone…I invite anyone who reads this to feel free to take this survey.

Betrayed By My Body

I went to see my doctor today to review my medication and the side effects about which she has been concerned. Since I’m still experiencing the twitches and the tremors, and with the addition of a horrible, creepy-crawly sort of agitation radiating throughout my body, she’s decided that I need to see a psychiatrist, someone who specializes in both depression and medication management. BF is very negative about the idea, but I’m willing to give it a try. The only concern I have is that I’ll have to switch medications, which could bring on a relapse of the depression itself. I understand that neurological side effects can be serious and permanent, but I don’t want to return the the way I was before.

I feel betrayed by my body. Even though I’m feeling happier and more balanced, my body seems to be suffering. How do I weigh the benefits and the negative effects of my medication? On one hand, I feel healthy and happy….on the other, I sometimes feel that I could jump right out of my skin because of the agitation. Is the agitation and the twitching worse than the depression? Will a new medication work as well? These are all questions that can’t possibly be answered. There is still so much about the brain that we don’t understand. There isn’t even a real consensus on the cause of depression, let alone the proper treatment for it.

At least my meds aren’t making me feel like a zombie: I am properly stressed about the result of today’s appointment and the prospect of seeing a psychiatrist. I’ve never been to see one before, and with BF waxing negative about the idea, I’m not feeling very confident. But despite his overwhelming negativity, I’m going to trust my doctor. If I can’t trust her, where would I be right now?

For more photo updates…

I’ve added a link to my deviantART profile under Links and on my About page where you can see my entire gallery of photos, including new ones. I add new photos at least every few days. Please check it out, and look over the site….it really is amazing!