A Time of Renewal

Well, spring officially begins this week. I for one am desperately awaiting the arrival of the cherry and apple blossoms, and I’m hoping to establish a small container garden on our otherwise spiritless back porch. Some lavender, geraniums, pansies, and anything else hardy and colorful will be so lovely to see each day. I already have a gorgeous vase of daffodils blooming next to our fish tank. The fragrance is amazing and I can just close my eyes and imagine the return of sunshine, soft rain, and clean smells.

What is is about spring that inspires us so much? For me, it’s a chance to breathe again. After a long, cold, wet, dark winter (and this was even a snowy one), I often feel  cold and dark inside. But then, I’m a weird person. I hate the winter and I hate the summer. After  months of cold and darkness, I long for the sunshine and greenery of spring…yet after months of blinding heat and no rain, I long for the sharp breeze and rain of autumn. I crave change, not continuity.

But spring definitely stirs something in me. With everything that I’ve been going through emotionally these past few months, I am ready to experience the kind of renewal that spring can bring. My depression has brought me so low that I’m in danger of failing some of my classes. Do I care? Kind of, but not really. I can’t be bothered to do homework, but I’m afraid of failure. I have experienced this kind of failure before, and I promised myself, when I decided to go back to school three years ago, that it wouldn’t happen again. I feel hopeless and angry at the same time. But I can feel the hopefulness of spring approaching, and I’m going to harness it into a rebirth of motivation and ambition. I will allow my spirit to be healed, and I will march back into the real world. You see…I have a plan.

What is my plan? I’m so glad you asked! Well, my plan is to get myself through this semester with passing grades in all my classes. I think I may be able to even pull of some good grades, but I probably won’t make the Honor Roll this semester. When the semester ends in May, I will scurry like a bunny through the classifieds and find myself either a full-time job or a good part-time job….but NO retail. Never again. Then, when fall semester begins, I will keep my job and register for only six credits, which would mean attending half-time. I would still qualify for financial aid, and it would free up time to keep a job. The point of this is to keep myself balanced in a way that a full-time schedule of online classes doesn’t allow. Online classes are difficult. There is more reading and homework than in traditional classes, and it’s easy to find yourself spending day after day in your own house doing nothing but homework and staring at your computer. A job will not only be financially beneficial, but it will keep me from brooding the way I do day after day here at home.

I know that my psychological health is going to require more than just pills. I need an escape from isolation. Frankly, I need other people. People give me perspective, and some even give me friendship. I need to renew myself: no longer will I be the depressed girl sitting at home with no friends. I crave the company of new people, new experiences, and a new life.

Of course, I also crave flowers and sunshine. So, bring on spring!

Just an Update

I went to see my doctor yesterday and I told her how I’ve been feeling. She checked me out to make sure that there wasn’t something else going on with me, but since I’m very healthy indeed, she increased my Zoloft dosage from 50 mg to 100 mg. I’m very hopeful that this new dosage will help, but if it doesn’t I might have to look at switching my medication, which I don’t want to do.

Coming Clean

As you know, I’ve mentioned in a few posts my mom’s health problems. Well, to understand the stress that this adds to everything else, including her own depression as well as mine, I want to let you all know exactly what’s going on with my dearest momma.

My mother, age 62, has been diagnosed with nonalcoholic steatohepatitis, or NASH. It is a nonalcoholic liver disease that causes cirrhosis, which she does indeed have. Most people know this disease as “fatty liver” and it’s caused by a diet high in cholesterol, triglycerides, and fat. My mom is also diabetic and obese, so this disease was completely caused by her bad diet and weight problems. She doesn’t exercise, and actually finds it hard to do any physical activity due to severe back and joint problems, including a bone spur in her shoulder. The NASH has caused esophageal varices, or varicose veins in her throat. These varices are extremely dangerous and can suddenly hemorrhage, causing death. Her doctors found them during a routine test for ulcers (which she also has). As my parents found out more about these varices, my father recalled that his own uncle had died from them, only in his case his liver disease was caused by alcohol.

Understandably, the sudden discovery of a possibly life-threatening illness in my mother is terrifying. My mom is the center of the family, the glue that holds us all together. I’ve always known that she was a fairly unhealthy person. She’s never really taken care of herself properly and has had a few close calls with her diabetes. She has stated that she’s determined to make a change, and has even given away almost all her unhealthy food, but I still worry. I’m grateful to my dad because he will not let her get away with anything, but he can’t be with her all the time.

So, that’s what’s going on with my momma. We’re all worried to death about her, but so is she, which is probably a good thing. She’s having a procedure in late April, most likely to tie off the varices, and I’m hopeful that with that danger gone we can concentrate on getting her well again. The only treatment for NASH is to basically take better care of yourself, and I’m going to make sure that she does.

Getting in Touch with my Bad Side

I’m sitting here feeling completely exhausted. I had an emotional outburst today, which is rare for me. I cried, I yelled, I gesticulated madly. I felt slightly sick afterward, but it taught me a lot about myself. I finally admitted to myself that I am angry, and that I have a right to be angry. I also admitted that my family isn’t perfect, and that even though I love them all, they make mistakes and they have hurt me. I always try to keep the peace. I hate conflicts and I hate disappointing people. I’ve kept every resentful and bitter feeling inside, but today it all exploded. Unfortunately, I exploded at my boyfriend, who has nothing to do with the situation, but who had deftly manipulated me into this state.

What are my resentments? In what way have I been abused? Well, I’ll explain here for your enjoyment!

I am currently putting myself through school. I have taken out huge loans, both subsidized and unsubsidized, and all told, I am about $30,000 in debt. So? I mean, I am 29 years old. I’m an adult and perfectly capable of supporting myself. Well, the thing is, the deal with my parents is that they are supposed to pay for our Bachelor’s degrees, and then we pay for our Master’s degrees, if we get them. This is what they did for my two brothers. When I first went off to college when I was 18, I knew I wasn’t ready. This was my first experience with serious depression, and I ended up taking a medical leave and dropping out. When I tried to attend a community college the next year, I still hadn’t dealt with my depression and I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so I dropped out again. I decided instead to work and experience life, and I ended up finding a pretty successful career in retail management. When I decided to go back three years ago, my parents said that they would pay my tuition and my rent, just like they always did for my brothers. I also applied for student loans to supplement the help my parents were offering.

This arrangement lasted one quarter of community college, which I was attending before university to save money. After that, I was told that since they were still helping my younger brother, who had supposedly already graduated but still needed to take classes, they would only be able to pay my rent. So, three years later, I am still putting myself through school, while my younger brother, who is still getting help from my parents, is happily applying to graduate schools, which I now cannot afford.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am perfectly content to do this myself. I have always been more independent than my brothers. And I love my brothers. My younger brother is probably the most talented person I know, and my older brother has really become a friend to me and my boyfriend. My parents are very supportive and tell me all the time how proud of me they are. My family really is wonderful.

It’s just that sometimes I feel angry that my brothers got a free college education, and because I decided to wait until I knew what I wanted to do, which in my mind was responsible, I have to pay for college myself. I feel like I’m being punished for taking my time. My mom sometimes makes comments that they’ve helped me enough, and that I had my chance to get college paid for but that I threw it away. Those things hurt, and I don’t think it’s even fair. My younger brother is 26. He has never gotten financial aid, and he’s had my parents pay rent, bills, and school fees for years. He’s now looking forward to grad school, which my school debts make impossible. My mom also made a comment that my brother has helped out with his education more than any of the rest of us because he has worked part-time. His part-time jobs have never paid for all his expenses, meaning that my parents have still supported him. What about all the debt I’m carrying? I’m going to be paying for my BA for years to come.

This could all be just a symptom of my “middle child syndrome”. In a way, I have always felt overlooked by my parents, as if they trust that I can just take care of myself. I kind of like that, because it made me more self-reliant. I can take care of myself, and I have survived extremely difficult times. The only thing that bothers me is the inequality in the situation.

God, I hate myself. I feel like such a whiny brat! This must be why I usually suppress this feeling of bitterness. I’m a adult, for crying out loud!

The Monster Returns

It’s back. My depression is back. And it’s pissed. I’ve gotten so low so quickly, I can barely function anymore. I haven’t done any homework in three days, and last week I turned a term paper in four days late. I take my medication every day, faithfully, hanging on to it like it’s a lifeline, but any positive effects I’d had are gone. I’m really afraid that even an increase in my medication won’t help enough. I’m at that point where I’m feeling like just giving up on everything, even dropping out of school. The only thing holding me back is the fear of disappointing my family and my boyfriend, and yes, myself. But doing homework and even logging into my classes is becoming more of a struggle.

Is this just the way my life is supposed to be? Is this my normal? I have no idea what normal is, because I don’t have any friends. I have my family, including my depressed mother and brother, and they really are wonderful and understanding, but I really don’t have friends. There’s no one I can meet for lunch and shopping, there’s no one to invite over for coffee, there’s no one to whom to pour my heart out. I can only burden the few people I have in my life to a certain point. My boyfriend is amazing, and he always wants to help, but he’s only one person. My mom, my other best friend, has her own worries, including some pretty serious health problems.

So I’m flinging my despair into the void, hoping that some voice of comfort comes back to me. I want someone to say, “No, you’re not crazy.” I want someone to hold me and say it’s going to be all right. I’m really uncomfortable even saying this to my computer, like I’m ashamed of my weaknesses. Well, I am. Everyone in my life wants so much for me, it’s hard to face the truth that I’m never going to accomplish anything because I’m not a whole person. The key element that’s missing from my brain is what makes everyone else successful and happy. Unfortunately, at this point, I can’t even bother to go looking for it.