On the Mend

Just a short update today. It’s only three weeks into my treatment, but I already feel different. I have a follow-up appointment with my doctor next week, and I’m hopefully going to be able to stay on the Zoloft. The side effects are pretty much completely gone and I feel much more cheerful…the melancholy is evaporating. I still have some bad days, but on the whole I feel much better.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who is supporting me through this! I had hoped that my depression would just stay away, but I’ll probably have to be on this medication for years. I feel like I understand myself a little better now, and I’m hopeful that with the help of this medication, I’ll be able to actually be myself again.

Zoloft: Day #5

So, I’ve been taking 50 mg of Zoloft for five days now. I took it at the same strength several years ago and I tolerated it well. But since my first day taking it this week, I’ve been feeling really jittery, as if there are electric currents running through my entire body. Also, I keep clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth, which makes my jaw sore. Honestly, I am feeling better today than I have felt over the past few days, but I am still surprised at the severity of this side effects. I’ve been able to sleep fine, except for one night during which my boyfriend and I suffered through a mutual bout of insomnia. But this jittery, anxious feeling is difficult to cope with during the day.

I have to make a follow-up appointment with my doctor for three weeks from now, so I’m just going to ride this out until then. I also have to call her nurse because they have a referral for a therapist for me. This will be the first time I will seriously undergo talk therapy for my depression…I did go see a psychologist many years ago, but she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, and I didn’t find it helpful. But I know that I depression has progressed and that the stress of the past few years, with my boyfriend’s illness and the poverty in which we lived, have affected me and the way I see the world around me. I do feel like I need help moving on from all that.

Thanks again to all who have left me such kind comments, especially Michelle, Chimera, and Seshat. You’re all so supportive, and I couldn’t go through this without you!

Progress

Well, I had my doctor’s appointment yesterday, and it was as I expected, if even better. My doctor was young, confident, and kind, which made the whole process better. She was impressed with how much I knew about my symptoms and my illness, and she took everything, even the heartburn, very seriously. She prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant which I had taken rather successfully ten years ago, and Ranitidine, a histamine blocker that’s used to treat GERD and ulcers. I took the Ranitidine last night for the first time and fortunately, weirdly enough, I was suffering from heartburn so I was able to see how effective it is. It’s great! It’s going to take at least two weeks for the Zoloft to kick in, but I’m hoping that it work for me once again. Thanks again to everyone who posted such kind comments…it’s very much appreciated!

With that taken care of (for now…I have to go back to the doctor in a few weeks) I feel like I can finally concentrate on the new semester that started yesterday. Some of my classes seem to have a few kinks, like the indecipherable course schedule my English teacher posted which still has all last semester’s due dates, but most of the classes seem pretty straightforward. I have a Human Development class called Families in Poverty in which I’m required to complete 20 hours of community service, which I’m really looking forward to. Too often in these online classes I feel a little cut off from the real world, and by forcing us out into the community, this class will almost serve as my sole social outlet. Besides all of my lovely readers and BCF friends, of course!

Don’t Keep It Bottled Up!

As you all know, I was supposed to have an appointment with a nurse practitioner to discuss my depression and anxiety. It was canceled, and I have a new appointment with a new doctor scheduled for this coming Monday morning. But something has been really bothering me ever since I called to make that first appointment. When I told the male receptionist that I wanted to be seen for depression, he said, “Depression? You don’t sound depressed.” I sort of laughed it off at the time, but ever since then I have been plagued by self doubts and wondering whether or not I truly need treatment, or if I’m somehow making it all up. When my appointment got canceled, I was relieved, but I was uncomfortable rescheduling…what if the same guy answered the phone? Would he make fun of me again? Instead I set up a new doctor with a completely different clinic system (one that this guy actually ridiculed when I was talking to him….WTF?). But I’m still doubting myself…I can’t help it.

But I’m also extremely angry, so today I sent off an email to his customer service department complaining about the experience I had with him. I’m not hoping for anything from them personally, but I want them to address this issue with this particular person. For one thing, what if I were suicidal, and his comments made me not seek treatment or help? His comments could have been incredibly dangerous to the wrong person! Also, he’s not a doctor, so what is he doing diagnosing me over the phone? I am still shocked by his insensitivity and unprofessionalism. I feel better having written that email, and I hope, honestly, that he gets retrained, suspended, or even fired.

But I’m still feeling unsure of myself. Do I need medication? Therapy? Or just a vacation? I’m unsure of my footing now, and it’s ironically making me more depressed.

Doctor’s Visit – Update

Well, I got a call from the clinic where my appointment today was, and they had to cancel my appointment because the nurse practitioner I was supposed to see is going to be in a meeting. They offered to reschedule, but instead I called my insurance company and got set up with a new primary care physician, which I needed to do anyway. I called the new clinic and scheduled an appointment with her for next Monday morning. So, I’ll have to wait another week, but at least I’ll be seeing my primary doctor.

On a happier note, my boyfriend went to see his new doctor yesterday, and for the first time in years, he actually has a doctor he likes. This doctor was very thorough and made sure he understood everything about my boyfriend’s medication and medical history. This relieves some of the burden that has been on me, so I hope that some of my anxiety goes away. But, we’ll see!

New Year, New Me?

I have made New Year’s resolutions in the past, and have forgotten about them by Valentine’s Day. But this year, I have made some very important resolutions that I feel I must keep for my own well being and peace of mind. There are the usual ones: lose weight, get in shape, indulge in my hobbies more, etc. But this past semester I came face to face with a huge flaw in the way I live my life and the way I think and worry. But this requires a little background I think.

Well, without giving too many details (he wouldn’t appreciate it), a few years ago my boyfriend went through a really rough time and I found myself in a sort of caretaker role, something I had never experienced. This went on for about three or four years before things calmed down again, but my caretaker mindset has never changed. I concern myself with his well being more than my own, in every way. Since we’re both in school now, I worry more about his homework than my own. My studies haven’t suffered (I made the honor roll again…yay!), but my peace of mind is completely gone. My boyfriend has tried to talk to me about my constant worry about him and to convince me that it’s unnecessary, but it’s not something I feel I can change on my own. I have to get my empathy under control before I have a nervous breakdown, something I do indeed see in my future. Things came to a head over the semester since my boyfriend was really stressed with his classes and I became incredibly depressed, which I haven’t felt for a few years.

I’m going to see a nurse practitioner on Tuesday (the only woman my clinic had available for who knows how long), and she’s probably going to want to put me on antidepressants, but I’m going to ask for two things: 1, that the antidepressant also helps with anxiety (I know that some of them do), and for a referral to a mental health counselor. I feel that I really need help in controlling my worry, that I can’t do it on my own. I’ll report back with the progress I make on Tuesday and when I know what my plan is.

Great Books About Tolkien

Originally published on 3/03/08

I have come across many great books written about J.R.R. Tolkien’s life and work, and I’d like to share my “must-reads” with you! This could be a useful list for anyone wishing to know more about Tolkien the man, and the process by which he created his mythology.

J.R.R. Tolkien: A Biography by Humphrey Carpenter: This is the definitive biography on Tolkien, and it follows the major events of his life, from his birth to his death. Carpenter gives wonderful insights into Tolkien’s feelings about the world around him, and one can see the roots of Middle-earth in Sarehole Mill, his childhood home (seems a lot like the Shire!) and in the battlefields of World War I. This is the only biography I would recommend.

The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien edited by Humphrey Carpenter and Christopher Tolkien: This volume contains letters written by Tolkien to members of his family, from his years as a student at Oxford, to his time in the war, and up to the time of his death. This book is a revelation, because it reveals Tolkien in his own words: how he felt about his family, how he felt about the war, and how he felt about his work and his readers.

The Complete Guide to Middle-earth: Tolkien’s World from A to Z by Robert Foster: I happen to have a very old edition of this book, I think from the 1970’s, before many of the spellings of names and places were finalized. Therefore, Finarfin is Finarphin, and so on. It is still a useful guide to those who come across an unfamiliar place or name, and wish to know the significance of it. It has been very painstakingly compiled and updated by Robert Foster.

Tolkien and the Great War: The Threshold of Middle-earth by John Garth: I used this book for the paper I wrote about the war’s influence on Tolkien. John Garth explores Tolkien’s experiences in the war with his 3 best friends (the members of the TCBS, his club at King Edward’s School), and how they coincide with the themes of war in his books.

Defending Middle-earth: Tolkien: Myth and Modernity by Patrick Curry: This was another useful book for my paper, due to the chapter on the environment and its importance to Tolkien. The broader scope of the book is to show how concerned Tolkien was with the lack of spirituality in the modern world, and how he expressed his feelings about the modern world in his books.

The Atlas of Middle-earth (Revised Edition) by Karen Fonstad: This is an entertaining book for Tolkien fans! Karen Fonstad, a cartography professor, actually reconstructs the maps from Middle-earth, and the journeys taken by various characters, from Frodo and Sam in The Lord of the Rings, to the Noldor in The Silmarillion. For fans of Tolkien’s work, this book is a relief because Fonstad includes maps never drawn by Tolkien himself, such as the locations of Thangorodrim and Valinor. She also illustrates the various stages of the construction of Middle-earth, from its earliest days, as described in The Silmarillion, to the severing of Valinor and the Undying Lands from Middle-earth after the fall of Númenor.

I hope you enjoyed my list! I believe that these books are a great addition to any Tolkien library, and necessary to gain a full understanding of the incredibly complex mythology that Tolkien created.

Unfinished Tales by J.R.R. Tolkien (Book Review)

Originally published on Crescent Moon Book Reviews on 12/20/08

Date of Publication: 1980, Houghton-Mifflin

Number of Pages: 472, including appendices and index

Synopsis (from back cover): A New York Times bestseller for twenty-one weeks upon publication, Unfinished Tales is a collection of narratives ranging in time from the Elder Days of Middle-earth to the end of the War of the Ring, and further relates events as told in The Silmarillion and The Lord of the Rings.

The book concentrates on the lands of Middle-earth and comprises Gandalf’s lively account of how he came to send the Dwarves to the celebrated party at Bag End, the story of the emergence of the sea-god Ulmo before the eyes of Tuor on the coast of Beleriand, and an exact description of the military organization of the Riders of Rohan and the journey of the Black Riders during the hunt for the Ring.

Unfinished Tales also contains the only surviving story about the long ages of Númenor before its downfall, and all that is known about the Five Wizards sent to Middle-earth as emissaries of the Valar, about the Seeing Stones known as the Palantiri, and about the legend of Amroth.

Review: For fans of Tolkien and his mythology, this is an indispensable work. Unfinished Tales provides incredible details about many aspects of The Lord of the Rings, such as the hunt for the One Ring and how the Ringwraiths got to the Shire. There is also a history of Galadriel and Celeborn, a full account of Tuor’s journey to Gondolin, the history of the Wizards, and the history of the long friendship between Gondor and Rohan, as told in “Cirion and Eorl”. All readers of Tolkien must read this collection if they are going to understand Middle-earth and its history and people.

One can read this book as a companion to The Lord of the Rings, The Silmarillion, or The Hobbit, but it can also be read on its own. There are notes from Christopher Tolkien which explain the progress of each story, and the different versions of them. The only complaint I have is that my edition only provides a general map of Middle-earth, after the breaking of the West. There is no map of Beleriand. But there is a map of Númenor, and it’s a great help as a reference when reading “A Description of the Island of Númenor”. I had a lot of fun reading this again, and I found the stories, which are found almost nowhere else (with the exception of the “Narn I Hîn Húrin”, the history of Turin Turumbar). I would recommend this not only to hard-core readers of Tolkien, but also those who are simply curious about the history of Middle-earth.

Rating: 10/10

The Children of Húrin by J.R.R. Tolkien (Book Review)

Originally published on Crescent Moon Book Reviews on 5/27/08

Date of Publication: 2007, Houghton-Mifflin Company

Illustrated by Alan Lee

This is the latest book to be published under Tolkien’s name. It is the story of Húrin and his family, and the curse laid upon them by Morgoth. It’s one of the most tragic stories that Tolkien ever wrote, and it is appearing now in its most complete form, since its first appearance in The Silmarillion.

Húrin starts out as the lord of Dor-lómin, an enclave of Men in the north of Beleriand, but is captured by Morgoth after The Battle of Unnumbered Tears, who questions him about the whereabouts of the hidden kingdom of Gondolin, where he knew Húrin had been. When Húrin refuses to talk, Morgoth sets him at the top of Thangorodrim and curses him and his family. His plan is that Húrin should know all that his family suffers because of his defiance.

This curse follows Húrin’s son, Turin, his wife, Morwen, and even his unborn daughter, Nienor for the rest of their lives. But it is not simply that Morgoth assails Turin and his family with war and pestilence. Tolkien ensures that the curse works in a much more subtle way: through the twists of fate, the rash decisions they make, and the very stubbornness of their natures. Because of all of these things, evil befalls all of them.

The book mainly follows Turin’s adventures, as he becomes a great warrior, an outlaw, and a dragon-slayer. The black fate that follows him, as he seems to carry the brunt of Morgoth’s curse, eventually consumes him and his family. It is said in some of Tolkien’s other writings as they appear in The Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales, that the sufferings of Húrin’s family, particularly of Turin and Nienor are considered one of Morgoth’s worst crimes, and that when the end of the world finally comes, Turin will be the one to defeat Morgoth in battle and finally vanquish him forever.

This book is a relief to many of Tolkien’s fans, as it relates the story of Turin in an easy to follow narrative, as opposed to the broken writings of earlier publications. The illustrations by Alan Lee are beautiful, the writing is fluid, and the story is more realized than it has ever been. Now, if only Christopher Tolkien can do the same thing for the story of Beren and Lúthien…

Rating: 9/10

The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien (Book Review)

Originally published on Crescent Moon Book Reviews on 5/27/08

Date of Publication: 1937

Number of Pages (including maps): 275

Synopsis (from Amazon.com): “In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.”

The hobbit-hole in question belongs to one Bilbo Baggins, an upstanding member of a “little people, about half our height, and smaller than the bearded dwarves.” He is, like most of his kind, well off, well fed, and best pleased when sitting by his own fire with a pipe, a glass of good beer, and a meal to look forward to. Certainly this particular hobbit is the last person one would expect to see set off on a hazardous journey; indeed, when Gandalf the Grey stops by one morning, “looking for someone to share in an adventure,” Baggins fervently wishes the wizard elsewhere. No such luck, however; soon 13 fortune-seeking dwarves have arrived on the hobbit’s doorstep in search of a burglar, and before he can even grab his hat or an umbrella, Bilbo Baggins is swept out his door and into a dangerous adventure.

Review: The Hobbit is a prelude to the epic The Lord of the Rings, but it still stands quite well on its own. This story tells of the finding of the Ring of Power, though at the time it seems a mere piece of luck and comes in quite handy for Bilbo during his adventure. More important to this story is the journey of Bilbo and the dwarves toward their ancient home, the Lonely Mountain, where Smaug the dragon sits atop their hoard of treasure. Always, the goal of reaching the mountain and reclaiming the gold (somehow) is foremost in their minds, even though they become sidetracked several times along the way. This is a perfect adventure story, ideal for reading to children or for anyone of any age. Bilbo, a seemingly insignificant person of a seemingly insignificant race of people, is a wonderful hero, as he finds that he possesses more courage and wits than he ever imagined. This is one of those books that everyone should read, if not for its relevance to the Middle-earth saga, but also because it’s simply a wonderful story.

Rating: 10/10