Oh, the pain!

So, my Thanksgiving was really fun. In fact, I had two of them. On Thursday, we went to my boyfriend’s mother’s house and had a great, low-key, turkey dinner. We watched home movies and had a great, relaxing time. On Saturday, I went to my parents’ house, along with my younger brother and his new girlfriend, and my older brother, his wife, and their eighteen month-old son, my adorable nephew, Benjamin. I took it upon myself to help out with watching him, to keep him out of the kitchen. We played a game where he would run past me and I would swoop down and pick him up or just grab him and tickle him. It required a lot of bending, but that didn’t really bother me. But now, it’s 3 days later, and my back is hurting me so much, I can hardly move. And the worst part it, I have no coverage for chiropractic care and I have to babysit him again tomorrow.

I really don’t know what to do, because I’m starting to think that I have really injured myself. My boyfriend has given me a few massages, and I’ve used a heating pad, but it’s just getting worse and worse. I know that I will absolutely have to see a chiropractor this week, preferably very soon, but I don’t have any way of paying for it. If there was anyone else who could babysit Benjamin for me, I would ask, but there’s no one. I have an overwhelming fear that my back will completely go out, and no one will be able to help. I’m only supposed to be there for about 2 hours, so hopefully, he’ll just sleep, but I have a feeling he’s going to be wide awake and wanting to play.

My back has gotten to the point where I need to get something done. I have scoliosis in two places, plus a vertebrae at the very top that has twisted itself off to the right by about an inch, which causes my shoulder muscles to constantly be tight, tender, and painful. My doctor today even commented on how large and dense my breasts are, and said that I may want to get breast reduction surgery, which would eliminate a lot of my back pain. But, I’m scared to have surgery. I don’t know what I can do except have adjustments done to my back every week or something. I think my parents might help, and I’m going to ask my mom about it tomorrow. I only wish there was something I could do for my back right now, but without some kind of powerful painkiller, I’m stuck until I get myself fixed!

My (tentative) decision

I think that I’ve finally made up my mind about what to do with school. I think it would be best if I stayed with WSU. My boyfriend still wants to take a trip up to Western to visit the campus again, but I don’t think it will change my mind. I love the freedom of online classes, and how I can arrange my own schedule. I think that a BA in Humanities is just as good as a BA in English, and I can maybe finish it sooner. All I want is to be able to get a good job, and either degree will open the same doors…so why complicate things by transferring?

Like I said, this is a tentative decision, but I think it’s the most sensible. I’m feeling better about school as I’ve been able to get a lot done over the past week, and we’re getting close to the end of the semester. Now I just have to worry about my boyfriend, who is feeling massively burned out. That’s another reason…I want to be able to be at home to give him the support he needs.

So, the drama is over, for now. But I doubt that I’ll be changing my mind.

Do you think it’s big enough?

In case you’re wondering why my closet isn’t big enough, here is a list of items that it is required to contain.

1. My clothes. I have clothes from years ago, and I’m constantly getting rid of them. Can you blame me if my wardrobe keeps getting bigger? I live down the street from a mall!

2. Books. I have so many books, and all of our bookshelves are already crammed to overflowing, so I stacked some of my books, including 5 containers of old Victoria and English Home magazines, on the top shelf of my closet. There’s also a block, like a built-in seat on the floor of the closet, and that holds a few stacks of books. I also have a big box of books sitting on the floor of my closet.

3. An air cooler. It’s about 3 feet tall, and a foot square. We bought it last summer to help with the heat in our bedroom. Of course, it has to be stored in my closet during the winter.

4. Crap. So, what does crap consist of? Well, I have three tote bags full of crap: old crappy purses, my favorite Nag Champa incense that my boyfriend won’t let me burn, random collectibles, some candles, pottery that my boyfriend’s mom and sister painted for us, and crappy old shoes. I also have an old, pink laundry basket full of even more crap, a box that sits on top of the box of books that’s full of crap, and a smaller, brown basket that is full of crap (some scarves, belts, a crappy velvet pillow) that sits on the block, behind the books.

5. Santa Claus. He is a foot tall and lives on the top shelf of my closet every year until the 1st of December.

6. A gold bag full of pantyhose. There wasn’t room in my dresser. It sits on top of the brown basket on the block.

That’s it, but I need to emphasize that there is a lot of crap in my closet. A lot. Now do you believe me?

How despicable!

So, Scott McClellan has published a book that accuses not only Karl Rove and Scooter Libby of covering up the conspiracy to reveal CIA operative Valerie Plame’s classified status, but also George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Of course, none of this comes at a real shock to any half-awake American. The Bush-Cheney White House has been the most unethical since Nixon’s. What bothers me the most about this is the fact that the Democratic Congress will probably do nothing about it. They have proven that they are unable to stand up to Bush on almost any issue, with some exceptions of course (ex. Rep. Murtha’s recent tirade against the Pentagon). It’s plainly obvious that Bush has broken more laws and has deceived the American public, and the world, on a level that puts Clinton’s Oval Office escapades quite in the dark. How is cheating on your wife, then lying about it, which 99% of all married men would do in the same situation (would you really want to get caught by Hillary?) so much worse than lying to Congress and the United Nations about the presence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and the link between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein, the very reasons we went to war in the first place? Some may plead bad intelligence, but I don’t see that as an adequate excuse. Now it appears that Bush is guilty of the same crimes that got Clinton impeached: obstruction of justice and perjury. So, where’s the special prosecutor?

It’s not that I don’t have faith in the Democrats. I have been a Democrat since the day I registered to vote, on my 18th birthday. I cried with joy on election night 2006, when we took back Congress and elected the very first woman Speaker in American history. I really thought that things would be changing for the better…finally! But they have failed in their promises. They couldn’t even override Bush’s despicable veto of the children’s health plan. That made me physically ill. For the last eight years, as I have witnessed our society’s regression back to 1950’s values, as I have wondered when my reproductive freedom was to be taken away, I have kept 2008 in my mind as the year that would bring back the light, and my pride as an American. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of my country. I have some hope, as the Democratic presidential candidates appear to know what they’re doing, at least more than the Republicans. I will continue to hope that we will prevail in 2008, and that the tyrannical reign of Bush-Cheney, that two-headed conservative monster, will not simply be replaced by another. Who can imagine the terror of a Giuliani-Thompson, or a Romney-anybody? The horror…the horror…

I think I’m OK now…

I’m still undecided about whether or not to transfer from WSU to Western, but I’m not feeling as panicked as I was. I think what got me so panicky was the idea that everything might be changing. I’m a weird person: I crave change, but I’m afraid of it. I get bored with my situation, whatever it is, so quickly, but deciding to change it is difficult. My boyfriend wants to go with me up to Western to visit it again. We haven’t been up there in years, because for a long time, I refused. When I went to Western 9 years ago, I became sick and depressed, and was forced to drop out and move back home with my parents. The idea of my going there again is making my boyfriend anxious, because he remembers how it was for me back then. But when I think about it now, I feel excited. I’m already thinking about the classes I could take, the on-campus organizations I could join, and all the people I could meet. But then I think about how easy it would be to stay at WSU and continue with my online program. My boyfriend and I wouldn’t have to move so far away, and I could continue to stay at home with him during the day, which I actually enjoy. We help each other with our homework and we take breaks together.

This is something I still have to think about some more, and I have to discuss it with my boyfriend. This decision will affect his life, too, and I can tell he’s also undecided about what I should do. I’m hoping that this week, we can go up to Western, tour the campus again, and really get a feel for how it would be to live up there and for me to go to school on campus. Stay tuned for another update!

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!

I’m going out of my mind with stress. It’s not a really bad kind of stress, but after everything that has happened with school, I’m now thinking about transferring to a school with traditional classes. There is so much to think about! We would have to move, I would have to get financial aid taken care of, I would have to get a job….too much!!

Who is your fantasy self?

Hopefully, I’m not the only one who has a fantasy self, or even more than one. This is the person I daydream that I am during times of stress, sadness, or apathy. The details can sometimes change, but it stays the same in essentials. I actually have two, depending on my mood and what’s going on in my life. Here is the one I think of most often:

I am a woman living in a cottage in the woods during the Middle Ages. I am a healer with exceptional gifts, who can talk to animals and commune with nature in many other ways. I’m not exactly alone, but I live a rather solitary life. People come to me for healing and advice, and trust me with their secrets. My cottage sits by a stream, and is very simple but has an extensive garden, which I use for medicinal purposes, as well as for pure pleasure and meditation. I am surrounded by the woods and its wildlife. I have spent my life attaining wisdom, but it has made me humble and patient.

This may seem like a silly fantasy that has no bearing on my life. My real life is really very ordinary. I’m a student, I live in an ugly American town, and I have no social life. I am not a healer by any definition. I think the source for this particular fantasy of mine is in my deep appreciation for doctors, shamans, and healers of all kinds. I also have a passion for history and literature, and the setting for my fantasy life is easily something that could be found in a book about the Middle Ages. In this age of the world, this kind of life is almost impossible to attain. Indeed, I believe that my life will end up being nothing like this. I’ll have a job, a mortgage, and maybe even a family. My life will be average, and not extraordinary in any way. But there are aspects of it that I might be able to achieve. I can surround myself with nature, even live in a cottage in the woods. I can learn to be patient and humble. I am already the person my friends go to with their troubles.

So, if you also have a fantasy self, please leave a comment and share it with me. It would be nice to know that I’m not the only one!

A failure or not a failure?

As you know from my school schedule, I am registered for four classes this semester, including two literature classes. With a little over a month left in the semester, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot finish both classes. They are both flexible enrollment classes, which means that if I cannot finish them, I can take them again next semester for free. Unfortunately, even not finishing one puts my financial aid in jeopardy. I’ve decided to not finish my English Romantic Literature class and accept the academic probation which will result. I can take it again next semester, and if I complete some of the work over the three week winter break, I should have no problem finishing the class next semester.

Does this mean that I’ve failed? That I couldn’t handle the class load at a real university? Does this mean that I don’t belong in college? I don’t think so, because I made the honor roll three times in a row last year at community college. These online classes are a lot harder than traditional classes. They pile extra homework on everyone to make up for the absence of classes. In fact, my boyfriend, who spends every minute of every day doing homework, is in the same situation. He’s been forced to give up on his Spanish class. It really feels like the university is punishing online students, as if they’re somehow not as important as traditional students. I don’t take online classes because I’m lazy…I just prefer the format and the freedom. Whatever it means about me as a student, the decision to give up on that class has filled me with a sense of relief. I finally feel like I am in control of my classes, that I can finish this semester feeling good about myself.

Deciding to make a change

It has suddenly occurred to me that the majority of my posts on this blog are either full on rants, or complaints about something or other. I’m really not that negative of a person, but I think I’ve been using this blog simply as an outlet for my frustrations. Of course, it’s very therapeutic to do this, but I want to make a change for the better, and try to express some of the good things in my life. Of course, my life isn’t perfect, but I want to share some of the happy thoughts that I’ve been having, and give credit to the things and people who are making my life good right now.

~ My boyfriend…he is a constant source of courage and happiness. He always encourages me to do my best and shares in my little successes. He can be goofy or serious, and always seems to know when I need one or the other.

~ My parents…talk about encouragement! Whenever I bring up the possibility of quitting school to go back to work, they remind me that I’m actually doing exactly what I want to do right now. They give me support every day and act like every A I get is the first.

~ My brothers…they can bring me back down to earth quicker than anyone else. They are a constant reminder of who I really am and where I come from. There are certain experiences in life that can only be shared with siblings, and I share my childhood with them.

~ My nephew…he’s only 18 months old, but he can brighten the day so fast! Just the sight of his dimpled smile and chubby arms stretched towards me makes everything else seem trivial.

Happy thoughts….

~ I’m finally getting my BA degree, and I’m only about a year and a half away from completing it. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long, and I new the rest of my life would never be totally satisfactory if I didn’t do this. I get to study English, like I always wanted to do, and yet I know that my degree will still be marketable. I’m going to be able to get a good job after I graduate, and I get to read some great books along the way.

~ I’m in a very honest place in my spiritual life right now. I have faced my doubts about the religion I was born into, and my life didn’t fall apart. I believe that religion and spirituality are extremely personal things, and I need to find my own path. I will probably never join an organized religion of any sort, and that’s OK with me. I also have support in the form of my boyfriend, who has tried to make me see the truth for so many years.

~ It’s fall! My favorite time of year. This is when the woods get misty, the rain falls, and nothing feels better than curling up with a good book and a hot mug of tea. This is when the fairies of my imagination come out and play. Also, Thanksgiving and Christmas, not to mention my birthday, are just around the corner!

~ I have so many books to read. My apartment is filled to the brim with books of every kind imaginable. Because of my school reading lists, I “have” to read every day, which is great for me! I have a great place to go to, The Book Club Forum, that makes me feel a part of a real community of bookworms, and where I find people who share my passion every day. I’ve also discovered the joys of reviewing, which makes the reading experience so much better.

I hope that convinces my very few readers that I actually have good things going on in my life right now. I know I can get down sometimes, and often it’s out of my control. I will still come here to rant and rave, but I will also share the good things, which I hope will inspire others to think about the happiness in their own lives, which sometimes can be hard to see behind the troubles.