All Time Low

For the past two weeks or so, I’ve reached the absolute bottom of the pit. I can feel my control over my mind slipping away, but I don’t care enough to do anything about it. Yesterday I had a “crazy” day, meaning that I actually felt that I had lost my mind. I was thinking and acting erratically, I had a lot of weird, nervous energy, while at the same time completely understanding how illogical it all was. As I explained it to my boyfriend (who was freaking out a little), I wanted to do somersaults across the room, but I knew that would be crazy so I wasn’t going to.

I’m practically counting down the hours until my next appointment with my psychiatrist, which is next Wednesday. It’s all so overwhelming for me, and I really feel I need help right now. I can still kind of function, in a limited way. For instance, I can still think fairly rationally and perform normal tasks like running errands and cooking. But my schoolwork has completely fallen by the wayside as any kind of motivation has evaporated and my mood is totally out of control. Is this depression? Or is this something else? I’m scared that I’m going to have some kind of breakdown and end up in a hospital. I’m very grateful to have such a watchful partner with me. He notices even the slightest change in my behavior and mood, and is always encouraging me not to give in to my depression. In his own struggles with anxiety and panic, he was able to take control of his mind and emotions and his life, and today is in a much healthier place. But I’m not like him. I’m much, much weaker, and my illness is very obviously more insidious.

I don’t want to be a crazy person. I want to have control over my life again, and have things be the way they were before I starting fall down this black pit. I’m feel like I’m straining just to keep hold of my rationality and that if I loosen my grip even a little, I’ll lost myself. All I can do is get through the next few days and see my doctor next week. I know she’s not a miracle worker, but in my mind she’s like a safe beacon for me to turn to, one that comes with a friendly smile, a calm mind, and a prescription pad.

I Am Neurotic

I received a box from Urban Outfitters today. While normally an occasion for glee, I was even more excited than normal because this order included the book, I Am Neurotic (And So Are You) by Lianna Hong (2009, HarperCollins). It’s based on Hong’s website, iamneurotic.com, which allows anonymous users to post their own embarrassing neuroses. The book is a compilation of some of the best and most shameful secrets of the neurotics, such as, “I can only eat jelly doughnuts by squeezing all the jelly out.” As my boyfriend and I read through each seemingly ridiculous neurotic quirk, it became disturbingly clear that I am, indeed, neurotic. So, emboldened by the anonymous bravery of those neurotics who bared their souls in the book, here’s a quick list of a few of my more unusual neurotic tendencies.

• Whenever I’m driving alone around my hometown, like when I’m visiting my parents, I also have an imaginary conversation with a non-existent passenger and pretend I’m giving them a tour.
• When I take a shower, I must do everything in the exact same order each time: wash hair, rinse, apply conditioner, wash body, rinse conditioner from hair, wash face. If I do anything out of order, I’ll forget to do everything else.
• I can’t do any homework or anything else productive until I’ve had my shower.
• All my books have to be placed in order of author first, then genre. The genres that I particularly like are placed on the same shelf together.
• When I eat sandwiches, I prefer to eat the edges only. I’ll only eat the middle if it’s a particularly good sandwich. Otherwise, the middle makes me gag.
• I constantly have to be moving a part of my body. This usually means my legs and/or feet.
• When I eat a Twix candy bar, I bite off the chocolate and caramel off the top of each piece, then I nibble the chocolate off the sides before finally eating the cookie base.
• I can’t look at my image in a mirror if the lights are off.
• I can’t stand the feeling of anything between my toes.
• I often get the feeling that all the inanimate objects around me have feelings and personalities…it makes me wonder what they think of me.

There, I feel better. Don’t you feel better? Or do I scare you now…?

Today

Really depressed again today. I had all these plans for my solitary Halloween, but haven’t really done any of them. I’m sitting here digesting a so-so pizza dinner, watching Halloween on cable (likely the highlight of my day), and feeling my brain get more and more numb. Day to day, I don’t know how I’m going to feel. How is it that on the highest dosage of one of the most powerful antidepressants (according to my psychiatrist, anyway), I’m still feeling like I did a year ago? I’ve been in treatment since January, going to several doctor’s appointments a month, trying new medications, new dosages, until I can’t even keep all my side effects straight. I’m seeing Dr. K. again in a week and a half, so I just have to hold on until then. Even so, I’m concerned about how my depression is affecting my schoolwork. Even if I make it through this semester, how will next semester be?

I’m also afraid that Dr. K. doesn’t understand how serious my depression really is. All my life, I’ve perfected my “happy face”, which is what I put on every time I go to see her, just like I do every time I go to see anyone, even my family. She even comments on how “smiley” I am. If you saw my face when I’m just hanging out at home, you would never describe it as “smiley”. My boyfriend even tells me that I scare him when I get depressed like this, and I don’t blame him. I feel sort of dead inside, and it’s a very scary feeling. I should try to explain to her what really lies behind my “smiley” face, but I don’t know how.

Still, I did manage to get out this morning with my camera to capture the last of the fall foliage. (You can find my pictures here.) Being out in nature for just half and hour reminded me of what Halloween is all about. The earth is going through a transformation, shedding the burden of the past year and getting ready to sleep and heal in time for the coming spring. Thinking about that inspired me. There are so many things I need to let go of in order to move forward. I’m still hanging on to the burden of last semester’s failure and I can still feel its influence every day. I’ve also become mired in anxieties over medications, doctor’s appointments, and worries about my future. If only I could capture some of the earth’s energy, I know I could shed my own burden and begin to heal.

It was a day and a half…

I almost lost my health insurance today. I’m on a state-subsidized health insurance plan that requires me to submit basic financial documents each year in order to remain in the program. The program is based on income and helps a lot people in my state afford insurance…my premiums are only $17.00 a month! I received the notice that my recertification was coming up maybe 2 months ago. Of course, being me, I waited until yesterday, the day before the deadline, to gather my documents together to fax to Olympia. Unfortunately, the fax machine at the state health authority office was so jammed by people rushing their recertifications in, I couldn’t get through. So, very early this morning, the day of the deadline, my boyfriend and I drove to the only 24-hour FedEx/Kinko’s in the area, which just so happened to be down in Olympia, and paid $10 to fax my documents to the health authority office. I figured that the line would be open at 2:30 in the morning, and I was right! I’m glad the all my documents got in on time, but I am never going to procrastinate like that again! If I had lost my insurance, I wouldn’t be able to continue my depression treatments, which would most likely lead to me dropping out of school for good. I don’t even want to think about the other what-ifs. It’s scary thinking I was that close to everything coming apart.

Well, the day wasn’t all about me and my quest to remain insured. President Obama signed into law an extension to the hate crimes law. As of today it is a federal crime to commit a crime based upon the victim’s sexual orientation, gender, or sexual identity. This has been about a decade in the making, ever since the murder of college student Matthew Shepherd shocked the entire nation back in the 1990s. But with Republicans in control of Congress from 1994 to 2006, there was no way this legislation could have been passed. And even if it had, President Bush would have just vetoed it anyway. It took the election of Obama to the White House and the Democratic takeover of Congress in 2006 to allow progress to be made.

I don’t understand the reluctance of conservatives in general to protecting the basic rights and safety of homosexuals and transgendered people. In fact, I’ve never understood homophobia in general. Why hate something that in no way affects you? Why deny marriage rights to people when their relationship has nothing to do with your own? Why are so many conservatives preoccupied with the private lives of strangers? My state, Washington, is currently voting on a referendum to extend domestic partnership rights to same-sex couples, and the latest polls show that support is growing in favor of it. It would give same-sex couples the same rights and responsibilities as married, heterosexual couples, but it just wouldn’t be called marriage. Election day is next week, so we’ll see which way the wind is blowing in Washington.

Hollowfied

“Just get over yourself already!” This is what I’m constantly telling myself. I get so irritated at my own pathetic whining. Depression is an illness that can easily make you hate yourself. Of course, this is only during those times when you’re sane enough to even think. I’m not saying that depressed people are insane (I certainly don’t consider myself to be insane), but when you’re at the bottom of the black pit, even the slightest rational thought is a tremendous effort. It’s easier to turn on the TV, turn off the lights, crawl under the covers, and let your mind just slide away. I recently went through a period like this. I almost never got out of bed, except to shower and eat. Otherwise, I was buried under the covers with my laptop, watching old episodes of Bleach, watching MSNBC, going on random online shopping sprees, sleeping, and making vain attempts to convince my boyfriend that everything’s fine. Duh…he lives with me, and seeing his girlfriend isolate herself in bed for days on end is a pretty clear indication that everything’s NOT fine.

Emerging from these episodes is frustrating. It usually comes with lots of crying and struggling to remain in the dark. My mind never wants to face the daylight after such a comfortable time in the dark. The rational part of me, that had been abandoned in favor of my comfy fantasy land, is pathetically meek at first, whispering things like, “You know, you are pretty far behind in your classes….maybe you should pick up a book?” I can silence that voice with a simple channel change.

But once I start to wake up again, the anger comes. That’s when I start yelling at myself for indulging in my illness. Depression is a shitty disease, and nothing to enjoy. To use it as an escape is selfish and irresponsible. But it’s so hard. This period of major depression, which is on top of my life-long chronic depression, has lasted well over a year now, and I’m so exhausted. My body is tired, my mind is tired, and my soul is tired. I feel like one of those Hollows in Bleach (yes, I’m a geek, just excuse the über-geek anime reference), complete with chest hole and mask. I’m forever trying to fill up the void inside me with new books, new clothes, and new obsessions, and wearing my mask in order to face the world. Maybe I should just defect to Hueco Mundo to join the rest of the Hollows and spend the rest of my life lamenting my own pain.

Amazing Video: 86-Year-Old WWII Veteren Talks About Marriage Equality

I found this video on BoingBoing.net. Please check it out!

My Favorite Quotes

I’ve long been a collector of quotes. I have scrapbooks of them, and every time I run across a good one I bookmark it, jot it down, turn it into a keepsake. I love being able to share some of my favorite quotes each week in my little Quote of the Week widget. But there are so many more! Here are some of my all-time favorite quotes:

“If you understand everything, you must be misinformed.” ~Japanese proverb

“There is no confusion like the confusion of a simple mind.” ~F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“Prejudice makes prisoners of both the hated and the hater.” ~Randy Shilts, And the Band Played On

“Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” ~Oliver Wendell Jones, Bloom County

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” ~Pablo Picasso

“And each time it’s touched by the light of the sun and moon, the world is always changing into something new.” ~Ichigo Kurosaki, Bleach

“A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.” ~Alfred E. Wiggam

“We are here because we love this country too much to let the next four years look like the last eight.” ~President Barack Obama

“Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” ~J.R.R. Tolkien

“There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.” ~President Bill Clinton

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” ~Benjamin Franklin

“I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.” ~Gerry Spence

“Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.” ~Voltaire

“In a mad world, only the mad are sane.” ~Akiro Kurosawa

“If man has no tea in him, he is incapable of understanding truth and beauty.” ~Japanese proverb

“Every animal knows more than you do.” ~Nez Perce proverb

“After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music.” ~Aldous Huxley

Midterms

Midterms this week! I have a load of studying and writing to do, so I won’t be back to regular blogging for another week or so. But stay tuned, I have a lot of ideas for posts swarming around in my head!

More Thoughts of the Day

I’ve had a lot to mull over during the past few days. Here are the results:

1. Congratulations to Congressman Alan Grayson for being possibly the only Democratic lawmaker willing to call out the Republicans on their hypocrisy and their willingness to do nothing for the millions of Americans who have no health insurance, especially if it means that they can keep receiving huge donations from health insurance lobbyists. I can’t understand why Republicans would turn their backs on the 45,000 people who die every year because they have no health insurance. Apparently in the “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” creed that conservatives claim to believe in and defend, “life” has a more…um, flexible meaning which doesn’t include the rights to good health and protection against injury, disease, and premature death. Other Democrats need to applaud of Congressman Grayson and realize that they need to get some nerve and stand up to the lies and greed of the Republicans. It’s time to stop pussyfooting around!

2. The fact that I’ve stopped being a Christian has really opened up my mind to other spiritual and philosophical possibilities. I’m continuing my study of Shintoism, and have added the study of Zen Buddhism. Knowing that there is more than one way to achieve inner peace, happiness, and fulfillment is so comforting. Letting go of my Christian beliefs was a very private, painful, and slow process, but I’m finally starting to enjoy my new spiritual freedom.

3. Although I’m missing the sounds of the songbirds that serenaded us throughout the spring and summer, I’m welcoming the sound of the wind and rain. Every season has its own music…except for winter. Winter sucks.

Another Drab Day

I woke up about an hour ago feeling terrible. Depressed, anxious, and very, very sad. I’m not sad about anything in particular…just sad. I have a lot that I wanted to accomplish today: banking, trip to the pharmacy, visit to the farmer’s market, and a lot of catch-up work in my history class. Now it seems like I might be having another wasted day. For the past few days, my energy has pretty much disappeared, most likely due to the fact that I was on reverse sleep and had to quickly get back on a normal sleep schedule. What usually happens is I end up waking hours too early and have to force myself to go back to sleep (and am often unsuccessful). For instance, I went to sleep at 11:30 last night and woke up at 5:00 this morning. I was able to doze a few more times before finally getting about of bed at 7:30.

This lack of rest, besides sapping me of all useful energy, also causes my pain to worsen. I have pain in my feet, ankles, legs, lower back, upper back, neck, wrists, and shoulders. I’m starting to think that having this much pain as often as I do may not be normal. But I dread the idea of going to my doctor to complain about something new…I already feel like she must be weary of seeing my face.

Enough…I’m sick of hearing myself complain. I’m just going to suck it up, get my homework and errands done, and just get on with things. Feeling pathetic only makes the depression worse, anyway, and I definitely feel pathetic.